Wednesday, 23 February 2011

The Sad Sudden Cessation of Scorer

Dave Storry, the lynchpin centre-forward of legendary Premiership club Tolcaster United, has entertained millions in the daily cartoon strip Scorer in The Mirror since 1989. Not at all resembling a dark-haired randier Roy of the Rovers, Dave’s exploits have enthralled generations as he’s worked his way up from Fourth Division Stonely Wanderers to become one of the most prolific strikers in the world. Along with his trusty team-mates Phil Weggle (captain, aged about 96 with Peter Stringfellow hair), Wayne Sutton (not like Wayne Rooney at all), Benito Pinnavaro (swarthy, Italian, untrustworthy around WAGs) all under the guidance of manager Jack Hocherty (Scottish, says “och” a lot, always swigs whisky from a hip-flask – so not like Fergie at all) we’ve followed the trials & tribulations of Tolcaster for over 2 decades. They’ve been relegated, in administration, kidnapped on overseas tour but also won countless trophies and fought gamely on with true grit.

In parallel with the on-pitch action we’ve been privileged to share the ups & downs of Dave’s relationship with girlfriend Ulrika (Swedish model with a REAL LIFE fan club – go figure).
Dave’s popularity with the ladies, along with Ulrika’s popularity with the lads (and ladies) has provided many moments of high-drama over the years, giving a truly ingenious double-meaning to the title 'Scorer'.

Although one could pick any single episode from this monumental saga as a highlight, who could possibly forget that amazing moment in June 2007 when Dave’s exploits came to the attention of then Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez?
Sadly it came to nothing and the Reds promptly went out and bought Fernando Torres instead; how things could have turned out differently for poor Rafa!

The story has been meandering along in its usual fashion over the last few weeks. Tolcaster are mid-table in the Premiership but they’re through to the knock-out stages of the Europa League and have just been held 1-1 at home by “The Austrians” (no team name given) in the first leg. They’re also still in the FA Cup. Meanwhile Ulrika has been receiving presents from a mystery admirer which has had an effect on Dave’s performance (fnar fnar); we found out last week that they’re from her friend Fallon, who has now declared that she "fancies" both Dave and Ulrika.

With the tension mounting I opened last Saturday’s Mirror excitedly, knowing that the next round of the FA Cup was going to be covered, to be confronted with this:

Has there ever been a crappier conclusion to a series? Ulrika’s final speech-bubble has obviously been amended hastily; it seems that The Mirror has decided that reruns of Garth (sigh) from the 1970s had to replace Scorer NOW. Even 'The Mystery of Edwin Drood' seemed more complete!

How can the story end with so many plot-lines dangling? What will happen to Dave/Ulrika/Fallon? What about the Europa League? Will Chairman Simon (who has been subtly portrayed as possibly being gay) get his wish to play for the first team and share the communal bath at Wembley when they win the FA Cup?

It’s a sad day for English football.


  1. Maybe they were just paying a deliberate homage to Roy of the Rovers, which ended in similarly "Wha'?" fashion when Match of the Day magazine got cancelled in 2001:

  2. Yes, I was disappointed 'Scorer' finished in such a fashion! At least they should have stuck to te storyline until the end of the season! To be honest I only bought the Mirror for that!